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i was in penang for a tour, and what i caught that day was how things need not be sweet at the beginning but whats important is the day after day after years- sweet.

twice, was this "lesson" taught that day and when i came home... i had it on my mind to share this or just dropping a note to encourage us. 

before i could even remember, jotting the lines or mumble the words...
you brought it up your own- that wee hours in the morning.
you told me how the days will just get better and better and if you could only see, what a joy that although we were miles apart that day...
we caught the same thing.

coincidence?
no way.

it has been the happiness yet,
day by day.. having you near, having you close, having to eat with you and talk to you without a screen is such happiness.
it's hard to part even for awhile, (hee~^^) it's hard also to have uncertainties... of your location/mine/work.
but then again, i was reminded about the cares of the world- that i/we don't need to carry.

we didn't start with our own strength.
and knowing that our thoughts echoes each other, i'm amazed by His love for us.

for i don't know what will happen the next day,
every day i appreciate you and thank God for you.
and miss you.

note to self:
to the days that took forever to pass has become months...
we have grown together and have been learning about our lives. tho apart.

it wasn't hard since we seem to understand the tone...
and through these waiting times... i've learnt to mature- in wanting, in longing, in understanding...
and most importantly... to be self-less.

i am not sure if you know that because of you:
i'm becoming a better person... though not with my own strength.
many prayers and surrendered moments, still surrendering.
but yes, the quiet times sure did help me reflect.

some days, it takes seconds...
some days, it takes a whole night crying to sleep.
but MOST days... i'm simply grateful. :) 
happy for this moment, happy in having all these to share.

i hope i'm helping you grow too.
i sure hope that you can depend on me- and want to.

i am still waiting.
we are still waiting.
but i believe, the days we've lost will be added to us.
in double, in triple, in many days in the sun.

to us!
i miss you.

since the last time i wrote here,
the days have been nothing but answered prayers and a real reality.

finally.
the coming soon, came. :)
the waiting has ended.

...and every possible feeling to be felt,
it's a great feeling when i know that i didn't short change myself,
that My Father knows the exact timing...
and everything was nothing but perfectly timed.

at last.
:)

i found a reason to go back to.

i'm overwhelmed by Your Love and Your promises.
that everything i prayed for the past year (that which was more focused) ended the years of an entire desire.
it's here, it's now.
:) i'm ready for the new ride, i stand in Awe of You.
How You Love me Paps!! <3

cheers to a start!

this year has been a ride.
seeing a mountain move to butterflies occupying a room in my system,
a death of a love one, 
and many lessons learnt, many things to be grateful for...
life is happening.

life has been bittersweet,
as promised it would.

but above all, life don't just happen- we are given choices. most times.

anyway,
before december...
a job that i wanted to tap into is finally an open door.
i'm going to step into it, a foot before this month ends
and from there on, only God knows where this will lead me.

holding on to dreams,
though many times vague has been paying off...
in kindness, in memories, in many things and ways.

soon is appearing too.

걱정지만... 하나님 감사합니다. 

i was just checking back some old photo folders to see where i was, last year- today.
http://instagr.am/p/TSNj9/
i was having the loveliest afternoon, with the sun rays peeking in while i was having my afternoon lunch.

these days things have been up and down but never failing to hope.
tears that never fails to turn into joys... i'm quite glad the climax of deepest longings are chewed and digested into the past.
it's been a year! since i did certain things and having some memories stuck in my mind.
the result, if i can so boldly use... is fast approaching.
to the many hows, to whens... it seems to be soon.

tho nothing is certain, for i can't boast of tomorrow that is still uncertain...
at this moment now... wow, i just want to say thank You! for the life lessons, the journey of rescuing me...again and again.

for the new project that is keeping me focusing on ONE area (Website).
it's going to be well i know.

You are not bound by Time, YOU are above it, You make TIME and i'll always have enough TIME
to see all Your promises come true for me.

i was reminded about it today...
and its sure a timely reminder!

goodnight Paps.
thank You, again :)

" for those that are looking for direction, God says He'll revel it soon".

it was a line that i could have missed,
it came in a middle of a long sentence...but after i caught it,
i was lifted. 

thank You :) 
i'm excited for the soon. 

adventure.
oh, the sound of it makes me stop and ponder about the level i am presently at (or so i think).
and honestly, why i do cringe with the thought of it? trying to hide my face when everything is in my mind?
so, by writing this,
i'm trying to pick up- for the many steps i've (unknowingly) taken...back
and now, i really want to know
what happened along "growing older" vs "growing adventure".
i want to find back that super daydreamer me, i still look to back in awe. (one for instance: she was wild in thoughts)
she had so many things in mind, to do, to go and the only thing that was stopping her was that she needed to finish school.
...and now that she is way over schooling days and buses and train rides, why hasn't she fully embrace the adventure she so careful sang about? 

Jessica at Oct 1, 2011, tell me.

i remember quite vividly the time i got out of high school and went into college.
the adventure i find, the trips i'll take (or would like to) the places i'll go wild dreaming and thinking about it.
nothing was risky, i didn't need the company- i was dreaming of an adventure alone!
i remember planning to go to fashion capitals, Milan was so close to mind...to be a student, to be an intern and ultimately...
in my mind, be there breathing and speaking Italian/french and the thought of meeting new people in a foreign land, without any
friends from home going alone wasn't an issue at all. in fact, i was ecstatic! fearless! no even the slightest wonder if i'll be left out!

hmm. then what happened.
well, i got into college and entered competitions, went to fashion shows, helped backstage and still... hungry for an adventure.
but Milan wasn't in mind anymore. that, i don't know why?
one by one, my course mates left the country... one to Taiwan, another to Tokyo, one to Singapore. They pursued , they went for it.
I was here, thinking of where i wanted to go and the desire just seem to vanish away, like a thief that stole a grain from a sack.

where did i want to go? i didn't know and wasn't too bothered about it.
i finished my course, took on an intern job for an experience, thinking that i would somehow get a place to fly to...

that was almost 5 years ago.

i have yet to pursue that one adventure- that grain that got away.
i'm not writing this now out of regrets... i chose to stay and start working the trade.
i found out after being an intern that i love working...i love the idea that everything i can think up, i can make for real, for the world and not merely for assignments, to get a rating.

i found great friends along the way but now it has come to this...
last year, i had the oppurtunity to go to Perth, in an abrupt moment i landed on foreign soil, alone.

i remember being in the plane and pat myself for stepping out from my comfort zone that i slipped into these past years.
i guess it would be easier if i had a supportive father, but that would just be an excuse huh?
nonetheless, with that one issue from home, i was both troubled and at peace.

that one trip out alone was a lonely affair the first night.
i guess, now that i can look back on it- to sink into a "good fortune" was seemingly hard to digest because i didn't know how to react to it, since it came as a surprise.

i have many things in mind, dreams built up in cotton clouds never knowing when will it turn to concrete kingdoms and i never took into account of how i'll react when those clouds falls to the ground as concrete.

now that i am writing this, things are making sense.
forcing out memories to the many vague questions are helping me find- me (again).

a route course.
i need a blueprint. 

i was checking that friend of mine that went to Taiwan.
like i knew she would, she never came back to Malaysia other that to visit her family once in a while.
She went for it and i'm happy she did and happy she stayed, there.
She recently took a trip alone to Korea and i caught myself uttering in my mind, how i envied her adventure, how brave she was.

"Brave". i used to be the one that would get that remark from people around.

A foreign place, a plane ride to go out and alone... it's totally something i would jump right into!! 
but why am i second-guessing things now?
what happened to the free fall?
how is it that I've become this person- i don't remember knowing 5years ago?

i don't think its late.
Jessica, let's find you back and go on adventures!

i woke up today and like the sleep yesterday,
you were present.
i want to ask you about it and didn't want to assume that you are being
far from me as actions shows that you are still, near.

i woke up today and took a long sigh
for that fact that the conversations i had with you was
in my dream.

i still want to know tho, as to why those random messages were not answered.
did u not get it? did i not get it?

i don't want to assume.

S=Sept.
S=Start.
S=Save.
S=Sawadekap.
S=Soar.

it's Sept, it's been a week of blissful carefree (the comforting excuse- i couldnt work because the banks + post office were closed) and as Monday starts, so does this new month.

I've been thinking alot about my dreams, how to get there and what i've been doing so far.
I am starting over (by visioning it in my head, again).

I really am running out of time because, NO WORK=NO MONEY and with the end trip i'm taking, i need to know where i'm heading to really get to where i'm always wanting to go.

As much as everything is beginning to "stress" me up, a 48hr getaway is at hand at the end of this month. an antidote, a reward for my "productivity" starting tomorrow (please help me God).

And i hope, what was said when i started this year... i'll begin to feel, to taste, to soar before the start of another month.
Amen.

i have many dreams, and one of it includes you.

i've been recollecting those innocent daring dreams i used to ponder on when age didn't need me (acting) all grown up.
age is just a number, i strongly believe (that of myself) but the pressure around doesn't support my thinking (and lifestyle).
sure, it's a realistic world where dreamers actually need to wake up.

dreams have wings.
money too- more wings when dreamer dreams and stays in bed.

i've been thinking a lot of the korean language.
i can't start remembering when i got so into it, and it must have been really serious to have me affected so long, right up till now...and breathing. counting..

let me check if i wrote anything down from my classes. (oh yes i did. 2007, hasn't time fly?)
i've been thinking of actually picking it up again but not here.
just this afternoon, i had thoughts of jumping on a plane and get to korea.
but wait, how am i going to eat? what am going to do when the class ends, daily?

so i stopped myself there and with that big question mark in my head,
that would need another day.
(parked my thoughts)

on a desperate (highly urgent) note...i have many things in vague manners- in which i need help to see and blueprint to start.

Help me see then DO, LORD!